3GenFamily Blog

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Dad rarely travelled outside of a 10 mile radius of his home. The one or two times each year that he needed to go farther, he would enlist someone to drive with him. So, I never pressed the issue of getting a cell phone for emergencies.

When I showed him my newest phone, he dismissed it saying,” The buttons are too small. I can’t read that screen. I’m hard of hearing, you know!”

Then came the accident.

Dad was driving back from the car dealership, took a wrong turn onto the New Jersey Turnpike, got lost and tried to find his way back through a neighborhood he had never seen before. Peering sideways to read the street signs, he veered into a parked car. Crash!!

My father was a very lucky man. The owners of the parked car were looking out their kitchen window when it happened. They rushed to help him.

He climbed out of his car, shaken, but not injured. At first, the police thought he was drunk. When my father told the police he was a diabetic and could not drink, they worried that his blood sugar was too low.

Eventually, Dad convinced them that he didn’t need an ambulance, just someone to take care of his car and give him a ride home. Those good samaritans who witnessed the accident called someone to take care of the car. The car repairman took my Dad home.

My father waited for several days before telling me about the accident. He knew before I said a word that I would urge him to give up driving. He did stop driving shortly after that incident. It had scared him that much!

It scared me, too. What if nobody had been around to help?

I wish that my Dad had had a Jitterbug phone.

Jitterbug cell phones are designed to be easy to use with big, back-lit buttons, large text, and a powerful speaker for loud, clear conversations.

What makes the Jitterbug phone perfect for seniors is the live, 24 hour operator service. The operators will make calls for you, assist you with finding a phone number from a directory or add names to your phone list. (5 minutes are deducted from your minutes for each operator assist.)

The best part is there are no contracts and no long distance roaming fees. You choose the plan that’s right for you (as low as $10 per month.) You can even share minutes with another family member.

If your parent likes to go out and about but you worry, get your parent this phone for the holidays or any gift giving occasion. The price of the phone is very modest — $147. The peace of mind for a caregiver is priceless.

To learn more about the Jitterbug phone and service plans, click here.

photo courtesy of GreatCall, Inc.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

Our local newspaper added a ton of heat to the controversy that rages this time of year about which college a high school senior should attend. The headline read: Forget the Ivy League: Most Valley CEOs Went Public.

Right now, high school seniors everywhere are polishing essays to impress those soon-to-be bleary eyed college admissions staff, many of whom will read more essays than ever before. Our children born in 1989 (4 million babies born) and 1990 (4.2 million babies born) are part of a boomlet almost as large as the late baby-boom year of 1961 when 4.3 million babies were born.

Consequently, colleges are seeing more applications than previously and turning down top candidates they would have welcomed just a few years ago. Admissions directors expect this to continue until the end of the decade.

Ever resourceful and upbeat, many high school guidance counselors are countering with the mantra, ” It doesn’t matter where you go to college. A top student can succeed anywhere.”

The MercuryNews article by Mark Schwanhausser seems to support that, too. The statistics on Silicon Valley CEOs does show that the majority attended public universities. Most have two or three degrees, though, with an MBA and/or a Ph.D in engineering being the most common.

The CEOs who were interviewed for the newspaper article often remarked that they chose their schools for reasons other than getting to the top of the corporate ladder. But, then the author threw parents everywhere a curve ball.

He asked recruiters for Cisco and Intel where they look for college graduates when they recruit for jobs. Both recruiters readily admitted that they do their searching at 30 to 40 of the “absolutely best schools in the United States.” Companies know that the tough screening process at certain schools makes their job easier. This quote from one recruiter is highly revealing,”Finding great talent at other schools is possible, but it takes more work.”

So if you want to work for one of the best technology companies, you’ll have an easier time getting an interview if you go to one of the “top schools” because recruiters focus their efforts there.

You can find a ranking of the top schools from US News and World Report. But, you’ll need to pay $14.95 for the premium online edition to see all of the ratings for all of the colleges. Another resource is the CollegeBoard.com. In addition to overseeing the SATs, the CollegeBoard has expanded into college planning, college search and college financing (beware of the sales pitches here.)

But, you may be asking, what about Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison? They both dropped out of college and are doing just fine. Does anyone really need college at all? Why not just get started on building up job experience? How the heck do you advise your son or daughter when they ask for your ideas about this?

Here’s my take on it: Attending college is an incredible opportunity to study something that interests you and to sample topics you haven’t tried before. (Steve Jobs credits a calligraphy class with igniting his sense for design.) Most careers today require at least a college degree. If you don’t have one, at some point you get passed over for promotions. Your teen should plan on a graduate degree if he/she has aspirations to climb the ladder of success in technology.

I believe that it is important to find the best ranking school with the best fit for your student’s needs. Definitely look at public schools but don’t ignore private colleges and universities because of cost. See my post on financial aid.

By the way, Larry Ellison of Oracle and Steve Jobs of Apple are both wildly successful without college degrees because both started their own companies and led them to major success. No one asks to see their diplomas. They have proven they can produce results.

But, a new college graduate will be measured by the name of the school on the diploma. America’s top corporations will all vie to hire from the so called top 40 or 50 schools. So, the answer is yes. It does matter early in their careers if they dream of sitting at a desk at any of the Fortune 500.

Ultimately, anyone can succeed with a willingness to work. My favorite no BS book on the subject is:Automatic Wealth for Grads . . . and Anyone Else Starting Out

Michael Masterson may not be as well known as Bill Gates but offers solid tips from his real life experiences working for others and owning his own companies. This former Peace Corp volunteer and college professor has insights that are right on target. You may even want to check it out for yourself. I did and learned a lot!

 The mood was relaxed and happy on the five hour flight from California to New Jersey. It was Thanksgiving Day. The sun was just beginning to set on what must have been an unseasonably warm day on the East Coast. I smiled to myself. The plane had arrived ahead of schedule. I would be at my father’s home in time for dinner with him.

The airport shuttle driver let me off outside the patio of my Dad’s place. I could see Dad was sitting motionless in his recliner in the corner of the room. Only the kitchen light was on, but I could easily peer into this tiny garden apartment in an independent senior living community. It had been my father’s comfortable home for the past year.

The TV was off. Dad must have fallen asleep, again.

I knocked on the glass patio door and eventually woke him from his nap. He was overjoyed to see me. But, his mood went from gleeful to glum in only a minute. “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t have dinner for you,” he said.

In our phone conversations over the past few days, my father had chatted cheerfully about preparing his favorite dish, baked turkey legs, for us for Thanksgiving.  He had discovered a great recipe by accident and wanted to share it with me.

“I guess I fell asleep and didn’t hear the timer,” he continued. “ The turkey legs were totally burnt even though I had them in a low, 250 degree oven.”

“How long do you think you overslept?” I asked.

“Oh, it might have been six hours,” Dad said sheepishly.

“That’s ok. You have some hamburgers in the freezer that we can make, right?” I said trying to sound upbeat. (Did I hear that right, six hours?)

I walked into the kitchen to start preparing the hamburgers. The stove was dirty. Pots had boiled over and burnt remains littered the trays under the burners. I peered into the oven. It was just as dirty. The entire apartment smelled like burnt food. This was a major change since my last visit.

I tried to hide my uneasiness as the realization began dawning on me that Dad was not able to safely cook for himself anymore.

“Gee, Dad, it looks like you had a few pots spill over,” I said.

“Yeah, pots boil over from time to time. It’s no big deal,” he growled.

“Looks like you could use some help with the cleaning, Dad. “

“I’m doing fine by myself! I don’t have extra money pay for cleaners. I have barely enough to live on! ” Dad’s growl had turned into a shout.

Lowering my voice, I turned to him with a big smile, “I know you have done a really great job managing your money. It is looking like you could use a little help here, that’s all.”

That was the beginning of a weekend-long argument.  I gave my father all sorts of suggestions for ways he could get help. He rejected every one.

We met with a non-medical in home care provider.  Dad turned pale when he heard the hourly rate.  I got out the rate sheet for the additional cleaning services that the senior apartment complex offered.

“That’s too much! Dad shouted.

Finally, I hit upon the idea of Dad purchasing the meal plan from the dining room. Together, we figured out how much he spent on food. It looked like buying dinner on the meal plan would not cost much more than he was already spending.

I reasoned and cajoled. Dad finally agreed that he would enjoy getting his evening meal from the dining room.  All that was left to do was for my father to sign up for the plan on Monday. He said he would do it.

I left for the airport on Sunday evening with a light heart.

On Monday, I phoned to remind him to sign up for the meal plan. He began to waffle. Maybe he would wait until December. Maybe he would wait until he finished the food in the freezer. Maybe he would wait until . . .

Of course, I knew these were just excuses. For each one, I countered with a reasonable argument. Dad thought up another.  He wasn’t going to do it and I was too far away to exert the same kind of influence I had when I was physically there.

A November 2007 study by the National Alliance for Caregiving and Evercare found that the long distance caregivers spend an average of $8728 per year out of their own pockets to help an elderly family member. Local caregivers spend somewhat less — approximately $5000 annually.

And, it is no surprise to me that the largest percentage of this expense is going to provide care attendants, followed closely by medical expenses and long distance travel. I had already been spending money for travel to see my Dad. Once your parent needs care, but cannot or will not pay for help, the family may need to provide it. Those of us who work are forced to rely on paid helpers to to assist with eldercare. Bu, this can have a negative financial impact on the family members paying for care.

Fate took a different turn with my father. Later that week, he developed a nose bleed that the nurses at the retirement community could not stop. His trip to the hospital ended up lasting over three months.

The nurses also reported to the managers that Dad was having trouble keeping up the apartment. The managers said they would refuse to allow him back into his apartment when he was released from the hospital for his own safety.

Now instead of convincing him to eat in the dining room, I had to convince him to move to the next level of care. To be continued . . .

What’s all the fuss about the Medicare Prescription Drug Program?

Open enrollment started on November 15th and runs to December 31st. This is the time when anyone can change from one plan to another without paying a premium penalty. If your parent is already enrolled in a program, you may be wondering why you need to worry about this.

Medicare and health care advocates in every state are trying to get the word out that the rates are changing. There are major rate increases coming to the most subscribed plans, while some of the smaller plans are decreasing rates. Here in California rates in some plans are increasing by 31%.

All seniors should reevaluate their Medicare Drug plans to see if it still makes sense to stay where they are.  They can check Medicare’s website for help with choosing a plan that covers the specific prescriptions that they need at a cost they can afford. It is important to do it now before the enrollment period ends.

Can there really be that much of a difference?

Yes.

This year doing nothing could be very expensive for your parent. Monthly premiums could increase substantially. Or, you may discover that required medications are not covered by your plan. 

And, of course, there is the highly confusing problem of the “donut hole.” I don’t know who invented this “cute” name but it is a gap in coverage that can take a lot out of your pocketbook.  Here’s how it works:

You enroll in a plan and pay a monthly premium. You pay for your prescriptions until the deductible is reached. Once you have met the deductible of $265, the basic prescription drug plan will pay 75% of your drug costs and you will pay the remaining 25% until your total drug costs reach $2,400.

Then, you are responsible for 100% of your drug costs between $2,401 and $5,451.25. This gap in coverage, the “donut hole”, requires that you pay $3050.25 out of your own pocket before Medicare pays any more for you.

While this is happening, you are still paying your monthly premium. If you get to December 31st without going past $5451.25 prescription costs, there is no additional help. You start the new year meeting the deductible again.

Once your total drug costs reach $5,451.25, the basic prescription drug plan will pay 95% of your additional prescription costs and you will pay up to 5% (or a small co-payment) of your remaining drug costs for the rest of the calendar year.

Each insurance company that offers Medicare Drug coverage has the option to add benefits. Each company can also determine which drug they will or won’t cover. Some companies will pay for certain generic drugs during the coverage gap while others pay nothing.

There are so many plans, with different options,  that vary from state to state, that you need to evaluate before you sign up.  It’s just plain confusing!

Fortunately, every state has Health Insurance Counseling and Assistance Programs. You can find someone in your area to provide free counseling about the plans that would be right for you. You can attend workshops on choosing the best plan.

Before you contact the Health Insurance Counseling and Assistance Program in your area, it’s a good idea to figure out your total drug costs for the past year and make a list of your regular prescriptions so you can compare it with the list of approved drugs for each plan.

It’s work to do this, I know. It is so tempting to just stay with the plan your parent already has.

Don’t do it! Make time now for your parent (or yourself) to find the best plan that is available. You’ll be glad you did.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

It wasn’t until Dad mailed me the collection notice that I realized he was losing his ability to track and pay his medical bills. He had complained during our phone chats on several occasions that the hospital had messed up his billing. They kept phoning him to get him to pay his bill.

He insisted that he had paid the bill– $124.34. The hospital billing staff asked him to send a copy of the cancelled check. But, Dad adamantly refused to go through the work of getting the cancelled check. It was the hospital’s mistake for losing the payment.

I was dumbfounded by his vehement refusal to deal with a straightforward problem. Ironically, in his younger days, my father had been a stickler for financial details. As a young adult, I would have gotten a scalding rebuke for failing to take action on something like this.

His unusual behavior was a warning that his dementia was beginning to impair his judgement, while his anemia left him so fatigued that even a trip to the bank seemed like an overwhelming task. I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I thought he was just being obstinate.

Being 3000 miles away, I tried to get my father to read his checkbook to tell me the check number for that hospital bill. Then, I went online to see if that check had cleared. The check number he gave me had been cashed but it wasn’t anywhere near the correct amount for the bill. I looked for another check with the amount $124.34. I didn’t see any in that month that matched.

I told my father that the only thing to do was pay the bill. He refused. No amount of reasoning worked. So I made a deal with him — I would pay the bill and he would reimburse me.

Grudgingly, he agreed.

My father had already signed a power of attorney giving me the authority to handle his finances and one for health care, too. So, I began learning first hand about Medicare, supplemental heath coverage and prescription drug benefits.

Dad had to sign a form to allow me to access his online medical insurance claims and to speak for him to the insurance representatives. I left instructions for them to phone me first since Dad’s hearing was poor.

I paid the bill. Dad eventually reimbursed me. The collection notices and phone calls stopped.

It wasn’t until a couple of months after my father’s death that I found the entry in his checkbook. Dad was right all along. He had paid the hospital within days of receiving the bill. But, he was so certain he remembered the correct check number that he never looked it up. I was too far away at that time to double check it myself.

The story doesn’t end there.

Another billing mistake almost happened today. I started to pay a doctor’s bill for my father’s estate and discovered that it was more than it should have been.

The doctor is supposed to bill Medicare first. After Medicare determines what it will pay, the doctor sends the bill to the supplemental insurance.

Only after the supplemental insuror has completed the claim, should the doctor bill the patient for any balance due. But this latest bill didn’t show any payment from the supplemental insurance, so I checked the online claims information.

The supplemental insuror had rejected the claim because documentation was missing. Well, sometimes paperwork does get lost. You need to follow up to get another copy sent.

I called and spoke to the medical billing person in the doctor’s office. She pulled up the records on her computer. She stated that my father owed this amount of money. I asked if she sent it to the supplemental carrier.

She said, “Yes.” And promptly read my father’s account number for the insurance.

I asked her, “Why do the online records say your claim was rejected for lack of documentation? The amount you are billing doesn’t appear to include any payment from the supplemental insurance.”

People do make mistakes (including me). Where there is an honest mistake, you can hear the surprise in the person’s voice. “How did that happen?” Sometimes, they laugh self consciously.

There was no surprise in this woman’s voice. There was no admission of a mistake. “We understand your concern . . . we will make sure it gets handled.” She was billing my Dad for the entire amount rather than resubmit the bill to the insuror with the information that was needed. Efficient but totally lacking in ethics.

I wish I could say this was the only mistake I have found. Unfortunately, billing mistakes have happened so many times in the past 9 months of settling my father’s estate.

How many elderly patients pay too much because they don’t have the patience or focus to follow up?

If you have been wondering how you can help your aging parents, discuss helping them with tracking medical bills. Have your parents collect everything (bills, medicare statements, supplemental insurance statements) in a folder. Set up online access to insurance if its available. Make a regular date to go over the bills each month before anyone writes checks.

You may need to make phone calls for your parents. Be aware that privacy rules prevent the insurors from talking with you about your parents’ account unless your parents have given permission in writing.

You’ll be providing peace of mind and possibly saving money for your parents, too.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

The court reporter was readying her equipment while waiting for the next case to begin. The bailiff brought in the defendant. The court reporter glanced up to see the next man on trial. Imagine the her shock to see that the defendant being brought into criminal court was her mother’s court appointed guardian!

This man was accused of embezzling from his nephew’s trust account. Was this the same man who was managing her mother’s affairs through the county’s Public Guardian Office? Yes, it was.

This true story made the front page of our local newspaper last week. The woman’s mother has Alzheimer’s Disease. Unfortunately, the mother never completed a power of attorney or health care directive before she became ill and unable to speak for herself.

But that’s only part of the story. The other part, that the newspaper barely mentioned, is about siblings battling over what’s best for their parent. Mom has one son and five daughters. The son was taking care of his mother, but the sisters disagreed with what he was doing.

The adult siblings ended up in court fighting over who should care for their mother. The judge chose to place Mom under the care of the Public Guardian’s Office rather than with one of her children. It doesn’t make sense . . . unless you have been involved in a dispute among siblings.

Despite educational and career advancement after years away from the family homestead, brothers and sisters all too often fall back into the old roles they occupied at age 9 or 10 when they return home to help mom or dad. All of the silly, and ugly, unresolved issues begin to surface. Old behavior patterns and ways of communicating arise like time magically reversed itself.

Unlearning those old behavior patterns takes a lot of work. That work must be done together as a family as well as individually. Career, young families, and misunderstandings occupy brothers’ and sisters’ lives, too. “Why do we need to re-hash that old stuff?” someone questions.

So the old patterns persist. And a judge, seeing dissention that may never end in the siblings lifetimes, chooses a neutral party to manage Mom’s affairs. The county didn’t know about their employee’s little problem.

I can’t say who was right or wrong. But, I know that these are gut wrenching experiences. Hurtful comments from siblings about actions, or lack of action, can leave you feeling incredibly wounded even retaliatory. Siblings may stop speaking to each other altogether, retreating to the safety of their own lives.

You can’t always make the other person understand what you were trying to do, but there is something you can do to heal the hurt.

Jack Canfield, creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, in his all encompasing book, The Success Principles, offers a 6 step process for getting rid of those negative feelings.

“The following steps are all integral to forgiving:

1. Acknowledge your anger and resentment.
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it created.
3. Acknowledge the fears and self-doubts that it created.
4. Own any part you may have played in letting it occur or letting it continue
5. Acknowledge what you were wanting that you didn’t get, and then put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to understand where he or she was coming from at the time, and what needs the person was trying to meet — however inelegantly — by his or her behavior.
6. Let go and forgive the person.”

You may be wondering why anyone needs 6 steps. Why not just jump to the last one?

If the hurt goes deep, your inner self won’t be able to “just let go”. It is most important to go through each step and acknowledge all of your feelings not just ignore or suppress them. Take as much time as you need.

You can write out your feelings and thoughts for each step, or pretend you are talking to the person. What you don’t have to do is actually confront the other person. Your job is healing yourself.

Interestingly enough, when you heal your hurt, your relationship with the other person may actually get better. I’ve seen that happen in our extended family.

The newspaper story ended on a happy note, by the way. The court reporter and her family reached an agreement wth the county Public Guardian’s Office. Their mom is safe, now being cared for in a facility not far away from her family. She’s not really aware of what has happened. And that may be a blessing.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

With the start of a new school year at universities and colleges in the US, there have been a flurry of news reports and newly released books discussing the problems that “helicopter parents” are causing. These parents are so named because they are still hovering around trying to take care of their students who are attending college.

But, it is not just a parent problem. It is a child problem, too. For many of these college freshmen, this is the first extended time away from family. If they are not used to using a coin laundry, locating and taking public transportation or foraging for food on their own, freshman year becomes a struggle to learn about living alone along with studying and adjusting to a new social structure.

Some students are natural adventurers, but others are not. The result is a very homesick son or daughter who just wants to give up and come home. Meanwhile, the parents, who really do want their children to succeed in college and in life, offer to help in ways that can range from minor to ridiculous.

Paul Wruble in his blog at TuitionCoach.com suggests a solution that is straightforward and makes enormous sense. Your child needs practice being away from home. During high school (and even before), your student should participate in summer camps, student trips, visit distant relatives and go on trips with others.

Any activity (it doesn’t have to be expensive) that allows your child to learn about living away from your immediate home environment offers an opportunity for your son or daughter to test drive independence. By little bits, your child gains confidence and, seeing that confidence, you let go.

Summer camps or student travel programs are too expensive? What about marching band, chorus, speech and debate, science clubs, robotics clubs, sports and other school and community organizations that have trips funded by contributions from the community? And, of course, there is Scouting, Campfire, YMCA/YWCA camps and activities. Many organizations have scholarships for students whose families can’t afford the fees.

Let your child find the program that excites him or her. Don’t do the work, but don’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.

One of the skills my son and I worked on while visiting some college campuses and attending college interviews was using public transit. How do you look up schedules? How do you purchase a ticket from the machine or add money to ticket? How do you use the airline self-service kiosk?

We didn’t rent a car while we were in Boston. We walked everywhere except for the taxi to and from airport. In Pittsburgh, our hotel had a shuttle that dropped us off and picked us up.

Right before making the final decision on which college to attend, Number One Son took solo trips to two campuses on the East Coast. One trip was to attend a special event for newly admitted students. The college arranged for sharing dorm rooms with current students and had planned meals and events.

The other was a solo trip to a campus because he could not make their planned event. My son arranged to meet the brother of a friend who is attending that college and toured the campus on his own. He stayed on his own in a motel close to campus. An important note for parents: some states (New York in this case) have rules about students under the age of 18 staying alone in a motel room. I had to fax a permission letter to the manager of the motel before my son arrived.

The airport in upstate New York was fogged in when he arrived at that last destination, so they landed at another airport and traveled the rest of the way by bus. The trip back also had its weather problems. My son learned first hand how difficult travel could be to that location. He eventually decided that he wanted a less remote college.

None of this made saying goodbye at the airport on August 31st any easier for me or my husband when it was time for our son to begin college on the East Coast. But, we knew that he had done this trip before and could do it again.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

It was during a phone call five years ago with my Dad’s primary care doctor that the “D” word first came up. Dad was in the hospital, again.

He had gastro-intestinal bleeding which the specialists had finally stopped — but not before a series of delirious outbursts about certain marital secrets that had his second wife shouting that she would have him committed to an institution!

As Dr. R explained, people who have lost a lot of blood can become very incoherent. The problem goes away once the patients’ blood levels are stabilized. “Oh, by the way, you know that your father has dementia, right?” the doctor asked.

Whoa! That stopped me in mid-sentence. Was my father’s second wife right? My father needed to be institutionalized?

“Are you going to commit him to a mental institution? I asked with considerable trepidation. The doctor laughed nervously. I took that to mean no.

Dr. R explained that she was seeing some signs of dementia but that they were mild. She rattled off a litany of symptoms. I had noticed many of those behavioral issues, too, but I didn’t know what to make of them.

The questions I should have asked the doctor were, “What is your recommendation for dealing with my father’s dementia?” and “What can I do to help him?”

The doctor’s diagnosis of dementia seemed like a cruel joke. To be truthful, it frightened me. I had terrible visions of my irascible father becoming a vegetable.

But no matter how frightening this seems, the most important thing NOT to do is pretend it will go away on its own. Taking the initiative to learn as much as you can about dementia can give you the knowledge to ask the right questions.

But, where do you start?

A great place to start is wth the basics: the 7 stages of dementia. Here is a link to the list of stages. Not everyone has all of the symptoms. Like my father, a person with mild dementia can continue to function in familiar surroundings. Denial is very common in the early stages of dementia. The person may become anxious, though.

This is the time for the family to plan for the next stages. My Dad was certain that the next day would be his last. As he envisioned it, he would go to sleep and just not wake up. It didn’t exactly happen that way.

Researchers have indicated that patients with dementia can live from 3 to 9 years after the initial onset of symptoms. Patients who develop symptoms at a younger age tend to live longer than those who are advanced in years when they develop symptoms.

Patients who continue to live in their community seem live longer than those in a nursing home or hospital, but this may be because patients who live in the community are in better health generally.

It is important to note that Alzheimers’ disease is only one cause of dementia. There are actually a number of causes including stroke, depression, or a major shock like loss of blood.

It is important to understand what is causing those symptoms for your loved one. By keeping an open mind and a positive attitude, you can help your elder and the doctor find the right combination of medical and nutritional therapies for the best possible outcome.

Other great resources include:

HealthCentral.com resource on Alzheimer’s,

The Dementia Caregiver’s Toolbox

HeartSpring’s section on Alzheimer’s

So what happened to my Dad?

His dementia seemed to be related to his vascular condition rather than Alzheimer’s. The doctor added Vitamins B6, B12, Folic Acid and E to his regimen of drug prescriptions. These nutrients are very helpful for cardio-vascular support as well as mental acuity. My father had a heart bypass operation a number of years ago and currently had a pacemaker. His dementia seemed to be related to these other medical issues.

His relationship with his second wife, however, was never the same. They eventually were divorced.

So, I became his caregiver for the last two years of his life.

We stood for a long moment at the entrance to airport security. At eight thirty five p.m., the usual bustle of this busy airport had slowed to a trickle of passengers and flight crews tired and happy to be home.  There were also a few travelers preparing to take a “red eye”, one of those late evening flights of last resort when you absolutely need to be at your destination at a certain time.

My tall, curly haired 18 year old was preparing to board a late night flight alone to the East Coast to begin college.  He had traveled on his own last Spring on a decision making trip to choose between two great schools.  But, this felt so different from other times he has travelled.

“Try to get some sleep on the plane going to Chicago,” I reminded him for the third time.

“OK, Mom,” he said gently.

“We’re so proud of you. You’ll have a great time at school,” my husband beamed.

“Thanks, Dad, ” my son grinned.

As Number One Son walked through the airport security checkpoint with his new backpack stuffed to the top with necessary electronic gear, a bag of sandwiches and a pair of underwear and socks (in case his luggage got delayed), I felt a gargantuan lump in my throat.  I looked up at the so very familiar face of my husband. He was struggling with his emotions, too.

Wow, I was having “separation anxiety” and my son’s plane hadn’t even left the airport!  Even though my face was smiling, deep down my heart was crying. Will he be ok?Had I imparted every bit of knowledge and wisdom to him? Was he prepared?

Worse yet, was I prepared? As parents, we forged a  great relationship with our son by keeping lines of communication open, setting clear boundaries and, most important,  keeping a sense of humor. (My secret resource for parent/child humor was reruns of “The Cosby Show.)

Now, the situation that was so easy and comfortable was abruptly shifting – flying away on an airplane to the East Coast. My years of dedicated caregiving had paid off. My son had “made it” into one of his top choice colleges — he worked to get great grades and SAT scores. He polished his essays until they shined.  He was successful in his extracurriculars. But instead of a jackpot, I have sadness, questions and worries.

Did I do my job to prepare him to be competent in the adult world? What part do I play now in my son’s college life?

The “experts” have voluminous advice about letting go. The morning talk shows have been warning about the dire problems caused by “helicopter parents” who continue to control their college students lives even while they are away at school. Certainly, I don’t want to be like that!

The good news for us is Number One Son has been using his alarm clock on his own for quite a while. He knows how to cook a basic meal, clean a house, and do his own laundry.  He successfully managed his homework and outside activities schedule on his own. And yet, he would often solicit my husband’s and my opinions on various decisions before making them. Our son also had mentoring relationships with several of his high school teachers.

Suddenly, our son is away from home and his support system. How is this going to work? Where do we fit in his life now?

 My very astute husband pointed out, ” this isn’t so much about letting go as it is about redefining the relationship we have with our son.” How do we make that happen?

Luckily, I found this great book:

You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me) : Mentoring Your Child During the College Years

The author, Marjorie Savage, has been working with parents of college students for a number of years as the parent liaison at the University of Minnesota. Inside the 12 chapters of this easy to ready book, Savage offers understanding and insights that begin with the summer before college,  and include the culture shock of school (and the corresponding empty-nest upset for parents), the freshman 15, course loads, extracurricular activities,  and life after college. She gives parents an informed and common sense guide to establishing the right level of parental involvement.

I have found it to be a great resource in puzzling out the best way to forge our new relationship with our 18 year old. I urge you to check it out.

3GenFamily Blog has moved to a new location on the web.

Please come visit us at 3GenFamily.com

By CK Wilde for 3GenFamily Blog

When I launched 3GenFamily Blog on WordPress.com, it was with the intention of sharing a wide variety of issues and ideas about long distance caregiving to help others traveling the same road. I’ve tried to focus on substantive information rather than just telling stories of life caring for an elder with dementia.

When I first started searching for answers to my questions, I didn’t always find them. Sometimes I just didn’t know what search terms to use. To make things easier for others, I have tried to use phrases in my titles and content that I would have searched.

So, it was a very pleasant surprise to discover that HealthCentral.com’s website — OurAlzheimers.com — named 3GenFamily Blog a Top Alzheimer’s Site for 2007.

Thank You!

If you are a caregiver or family member of someone with dementia, Alzheimer’s being the most common form, please check out the resources available on all of the top sites in the link above. There is great information and commentary on the sites. Check them out!